ulblog.org » Creative Writing http://www.ulblog.org A blog dedicated to the discussion of urban legends, superstitions, ghost stories and folklore Mon, 22 Feb 2010 01:51:43 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 en hourly 1 Conversation with Duncan http://www.ulblog.org/2007/12/19/conversation-with-duncan/ http://www.ulblog.org/2007/12/19/conversation-with-duncan/#comments Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:54:43 +0000 Murray @ ulblog http://www.ulblog.org/2007/12/19/conversation-with-duncan/ By popular demand {i.e. Duncan asked me to go looking for this post}, I've dredged the following up from the archives of my previous blog, PlanetThoughtful. It was originally posted on 6 June 2003.

]]> Me: I have this theory. Duncan:   I think my cat is about to jump me. I can tell, he gets all sleek and, you know, jumpy… Me: My theory is that every man is more or less Antonio Banderas. Duncan:   …Every man is a good looking latinesque guy with dark curly hair? Me: Well, obviously not all at once, no. But I think you should be able to measure your Antonio Banderasness as a kind of quotient. And there would be days, I assume, where you would be much more Antonio Banderas than on others. For instance, I have days when I’m so Antonio Banderas that I feel like I should be suing the other one for copyright infringement. (a small, reflective pause) Obvioulsy not many of them, of course. Duncan:   Don’t you think the real Antonio Banderas might be a little bit upset about this theory? Me: Well, that’s my point. Maybe he isn’t the real Antonio Banderas? Maybe he’s just more Antonio Banderas than the original one was. Maybe the original one was a pig farmer from Iowa? Do they have pig farms in Iowa? Anyway, so maybe this Antonio Banderas just has a very high Antonio Banderas quotient… So the real one — the pig farmer I mean — would be pretty damn annoyed about the whole thing too, wouldn’t you think? Duncan:   I was right. My cat jumped me. Me: …I think I’d like you to call me Mr Banderas from here on in. ]]> http://www.ulblog.org/2007/12/19/conversation-with-duncan/feed/ 1 Juanita Went Away http://www.ulblog.org/2006/10/02/juanita-went-away/ http://www.ulblog.org/2006/10/02/juanita-went-away/#comments Mon, 02 Oct 2006 20:00:24 +0000 Murray @ ulblog http://www.ulblog.org/2006/10/03/juanita-went-away/ “Everywhere I go,” the man said, staring through a window at the darkness pressing in against the glass, “there are always puddles of water beneath my feet. I think it’s supposed to mean something, but I don’t know what.”

To Jacob, sitting at the counter next to the man, the diner seemed to be too harshly [...]

]]> “Everywhere I go,” the man said, staring through a window at the darkness pressing in against the glass, “there are always puddles of water beneath my feet. I think it’s supposed to mean something, but I don’t know what.”

To Jacob, sitting at the counter next to the man, the diner seemed to be too harshly lit, as if every object within had been rendered with almost painful intensity. He glanced at the man sitting on the next seat and sighed. One of those, he thought. Just my luck.

“It used to bother me,” the man said. “I thought people would treat me like I was a freak or a weirdo or something. You know, because of the puddles. But no-one ever seems to notice.”

Jacob signaled for a waitress and ordered a coffee. She was a distracted looking woman with a nice smile when she allowed it to flicker across her face. She wore a name badge with ‘Beth’ written on it, over the faded lettering of ‘Juanita,’ which had been the name originally stenciled onto the plastic. She hurried off to pour the coffee, and Jacob wondered who Juanita had been, where she had gone.

“Then it started bothering me that people don’t notice. You’d think that would be something people would pick up on, a man who has puddles beneath his feet everywhere he goes. For some reason it was worse that no-one noticed.”

Beth placed the cup in front of Jacob, and he thanked her. On a whim, he asked her who Juanita had been. She appeared momentarily confused, and then, “Oh, you mean the name on my badge?” She swiveled it around, twisting the fabric on her blouse into a knot, and tucked her chin down to read it. “I honestly don’t know. I never met her. I think she went away.”

Jacob thanked her again and she moved off to serve another customer.

“I thought about asking people about it. You know, if they ever noticed the puddles. And then I got scared that if I did, they’d start noticing them all the time, and that would be worst of all.”

Jacob stared into the slightly oily surface of the coffee, catching a distorted vision of the interior of the diner in its reflection. He could hear the man tapping his feet nervously against the footrest of his seat, making soft, wet squelching noises with his shoes. On the floor below, a puddle of water had gathered.

“I think it’s supposed to mean something,” the man said, staring out at the darkness, “but I don’t know what.”

Jacob took a sip of coffee; it was too bitter and too hot but he drank it anyway. He briefly considered telling the man that the puddles had something to do with his final moments, with the way his life had ended. Maybe he had slipped on some tiles, or been electrocuted, or perhaps even drowned – something to do with water.

But then, he thought to himself, what’s the point? The dead, they never listen.

“Excuse me, Miss,” he said on a whim as the waitress walked by. “I was wondering who Juanita was?”

“Oh,” said the waitress, momentarily confused, “you mean the name on my badge? I honestly don’t know. I never met her. I think she went away.”

]]> http://www.ulblog.org/2006/10/02/juanita-went-away/feed/ 2 Character Profile: The Five O’Clock Shadow http://www.ulblog.org/2006/09/30/character-profile-the-five-oclock-shadow/ http://www.ulblog.org/2006/09/30/character-profile-the-five-oclock-shadow/#comments Sun, 01 Oct 2006 03:48:41 +0000 Murray @ ulblog http://www.ulblog.org/2006/09/30/character-profile-the-five-oclock-shadow/ The scourge of the late afternoon [1], The Five O’Clock Shadow receives his devastating Shadow Powers [2] at the stroke of 5pm, only to lose them again an instant later.

As a result, The Five O’Clock Shadow is one of Wisdom City’s more frustrated superheroes, since it’s surprisingly difficult to combat crime when all you have [...]

]]> The scourge of the late afternoon [1], The Five O’Clock Shadow receives his devastating Shadow Powers [2] at the stroke of 5pm, only to lose them again an instant later.

As a result, The Five O’Clock Shadow is one of Wisdom City’s more frustrated superheroes, since it’s surprisingly difficult to combat crime when all you have is a single second in which to do it.

∗∗∗

‘What time is it?’ Bernard Midlifecrisis asked.

Harry Flonk, half-brother of Wisdom City’s most devious camouflage expert [3], glanced at his watch. ‘4:59. Why’s that? Got an appointment or something?’

‘No, no. It’s just that… when 5pm arrives I tend to… oh dear… I… It’s… NNNNOOOOAARRGGH! YESSS! COWER IN THE DARKNESS, CRIMINALS OF WISDOM CITY, FOR I SHALL USE MY POWERS OF BLOCKING LIGHT AND CASTING SOLID OUTLINES ONTO WALLS TO CRUSH YOUR NEFARIOUS PLANNNSAAAAARGH! … bugger…’

‘That,’ said Harry Flonk, ‘was really, really unexpected. You went all wobbly.’

‘It happens every day at 5pm,’ said Bernard with a sigh, massaging a spot just above his eyebrows.

‘That must be very annoying. It annoyed the hell out of me, and I was just sitting here.’

‘You have no freaking idea,’ said Bernard; and in this he was wrong, because his friend often had a number of freaky ideas.

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Footnotes:
1.Or the early evening, depending on how you look at it…
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2.i.e., the terrifying ability to block light.
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3.Being Drew Flonk, who was so gifted at the art of camouflage that no-one knows what he looked like, or even if he actually existed at all.
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