The internet chain email massacre
Posted February 7th, 2006 by Murray @ ulblog
Filed under: Murray by Moonlight
Tags: chain email, email, humour
We’ve all received the chain emails warning us about various dangers, from the dreaded effects of aspartame, to hypodermic needles hidden in McDonalds playpits, to killers lurking in the back seats of our cars.
Join me in the ulblog inbox for a funny take on all of that good-intentioned email hysteria…
I’ve seriously lost count, over the years, of how many things I’ve been warned about or encouraged to do by chain email.
Remember the Microsoft Money Giveaway email? The one that promised bucketloads of cash for forwarding the email to as many people as you could, because Microsoft had invented an email tracker and apparently wanted to reward people for filling the Internet with spam? Hands up anyone who knows anyone who received any money from it?
Or the one that said that aspartame, used in artificial sweeteners, was making people rot from the inside out?
Or the one that came with the soundfile that when you played it, could tell you your name, star sign and was able to answer basic questions about geometry? [1]
Amidst receiving all of those emails, did you ever wish you could send one back that described what it would be like if you followed all of that urgent advice?
If you answered, ‘Hell, yes!’, then you’re not alone…
It seems someone has done that very thing, and while your mileage may vary on exactly how funny it is, if at all, I know I got a chuckle out of it as someone who spent a lot of time trying to let people know that chain emails aren’t necessarily the best way to learn about what’s really happening in the world.
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and Healthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - ’cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer eat KFC because their “chickens” are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the Internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.
Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour! If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.
DO IT NOW OR ELSE.
And Have a nice day!
Have you received a chain email recently that you’d like to share with ulblog readers? Send it in via the submit an urban legend link, and I’ll put it up on the site.
Footnotes:
| 1. | It’s very possible that I made that one up. |
| Return |
February 7th, 2006 at 7:26 am
What always kills me are the friends that have enough time to send you at least six forwards of this kind but never has enough actual time to sit at a computer to answer an email sent by you. Not even one or two lines.
And when they send their billionth one out, there is always the disclaimer right at the top….”I normally don’t send things like this but I thought you’d like this one.”
I’m getting hives just thinking about it.
February 7th, 2006 at 5:30 pm
Back on the old site I wrote a couple of essays about why people forward chain emails when they know or suspect that they’re not true. I’ll have to see if I can dig out a copy of them for ulblog.
But, yes, added to that you do get the people who seem to think that forwarding a chain email is ‘keeping in touch’. I guess that’s one of the problems of living with the Internet - you may have dozens of people to try and maintain a direct relationship with, and the easy way out is to just include all those email addresses on something you think is interesting.
Much warmth,
Murray